Meh. Mehmehmehmehmehmehmeh. Meh, I say.
So, Wednesday was fun. Found out that friend of mine is an even bigger flake than originally thought. Flakiness is fine in the forget-birthday-too-tired-to-go-out-whoops-I-went-here-instead-of-there- what's-that-word-again regard. But, when it starts affecting your life personally and professionally, it's time to take a step back and analyze what's making you so flaky. And then, quit doing it, because you're going to shoot yourself in the foot repeatedly until you do so.I think we're all smart enough here to realize I'm talking about substances. I have *no* problem with people doing what they want to do. Want to shoot heroin*? Fine. Snort a line of coke*? Have at it. Drink yourself to oblivion? Enjoy. Inhale a massive THC cloud? Go for it, and drink some water for the cottonmouth afterwards. Just don't expect any sympathy from me if you end up a.) broke from your habit, b.) screwing up your life professionally, or c.) alienating your friends and family.
And please: don't think I'm being a conservative hard ass on this. I've done d.) all of the above in my life, and thankfully I was young enough and grew enough smart enough to correct it. Being young and stupid is never an excuse, though. (And neither is being old and stupid, for that matter.)
The first years out of high school were rough on me. I barely graduated due to skipping school to hang out with my boyfriend to smoke pot. We moved in together after I left/got kicked out of my mother's house. I ended up working three jobs at once to support both of us since he never felt like working and had developed a massive (secret) coke habit. We were constantly broke, often living on only $10 a week between the two of us for food and gas. Electricity and water were constantly being shut off. I had to take out a loan to have surgery, only to have the pain pills for afterwards stolen and sold by the boyfriend. Most of my furniture and CDs ended up being pawned to either pay a bill or support his habit. My family and I had rifts larger than the Grand Canyon.
I was blind to everything, especially to what I thought was a healthy relationship. The final straw was when the boyfriend disappeared with my car and all our cash for a day and lied about it (he said he was in jail, of all places). It was a huge moment in where I looked at my life, and saw a pathetic girl clinging to vestiges of a long forgotten puppy love. I saw a life of constant struggle with no possibility of getting better. I literally saw the end of my life, and it wasn't pretty, because it had gotten so bad I was hoping for it.
That was the moment where I decided to never let a substance rule my life, whether through my doing (pot) or another's (coke). I may still drink, and I may still smoke a bowl here and there, but dammit if I'll ever let it affect my career, my dreams, or the ones I love ever again. Many of you may wonder why I throw myself into life, doing to much or working to much or driving my self insane with obligation after obligation. The answer is simple. I live too much now because I didn't live enough before.
This is why is pains me to see people waste their lives on drugs and alcohol**. It's also why I became so angry the other night when my friend revealed how much of a flake he's become. I have not been that angry in a long time, and it hurt that it was directed toward someone I hold dear. I've been thinking for the past few days about why my temper rose so high, and writing it all down has provided somewhat of a relief, because while I realized that my past is still somewhat affecting my life, I can still trust and love and cherish people. That's the biggest catharsis of all.
*Regardless of what the trends have been/are/will be, I will never, ever do or understand the allure of these drugs. That goes double for crack and meth.
**Mind you, not the random night out here or there, but multiple nights in a row, week after week? Find something better to do already.
picked from the vine by sv @ 6:26 PM
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