It All Comes Back To Alcohol

A co-worker/best bud (we'll call her Moogs) had a blind date a few weeks back. Decent fellow, good-looking, nice conversationalist, beautiful Harley. Everything a gal could want, right?

Well...at least in a first date.

The next day progressed into a call-fest, with daily calls coming in since. Fellas, as Swinger-ish as it may sound, we do need a bit of breathing room after meeting you to evaluate the situation. You'd be smart to take it, too.

It all culimated today when we were headed downstairs for a delicious smokey treat (Camels, you heathens). The receptionist beckoned toward flowers on the front desk. Being a hopeless romantic, I thought they were for me (it's hard to determine a fingering**), but they were for Moogs...at which she rolled her eyes, figuring they from said over-amourous date, and commented (basically), "Phhst. Later."* Which spurned us to conversation. Naturally.

How can you tell a guy:

"Too much is too much."


"Too little is too little."

*AND* make him understand what the fuck you mean?

To clarify, there is such a thing as scaring a gal off too early. Overtures of romance, feelings, and all that gucky shit can make a woman run to a mountain stream to wash the "squick" off. BUT... not enough makes you seem disinterested, uninvolved. Meh, in internet speak.

So...how to avoid that fatal balance of too much and not enough? Relate it to alcohol, of course.

Moogs had a streak of brillance when I asked the above question verbatim. Her exact quote was," It's like drinking beer."

Think about it.

You know when you've had too many. You know when you've had too few. Why not apply this logic to the everydate, as well as the everyday?

"Nice to meet you. You're a nice chick." = Too few
"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" = Too many
"Nice conversation. Want to grab coffee next Friday?" = Just right

The trick to the last one is not calling her until the day before the coffee date. HEAR US! We want you to to be intriguing. Not crass, nor uninspired. Mysterious and revealing. Methodical and daring. Firm, yet gentle. Well, hell...in the first few dates, at least.

I'm sure plenty of women will disagree with the whole "beer theory", as it might offend their delicate sensabilities. To be honest, I'm PMS-ing, and probably hypersensitive to too many things. But, it applies to whatever your slide rule may be.

Chocolate? Yes.
Sun? Yes.
Exfoliating salt scrub? Yes.
Ceiling supported rubber...um...trust me, yes.

Ladies, please. Can we raise the bar and stop settling for too much or too few? There are quite a lot of men out there that will give it to us just right.

*They were actually from a client who's adorable, so the flowers became much prettier after she read the card.
**In the "come*** hither" sense, you pervs.
***Come = walk...You pervs.


I Love You. Don't Hate Me.

Yeah, yeah. So life is pulling me away from teh interwebs. That's good, right? None of you want to hear grousing about traveling and spreadsheets and luxuoriously uncomfortable beds, right?

Oh. You do?


- May I suggest the "coleslaw" at the Raddison in downtown Phoenix? Hint: the cabbage is replaced by jicama and carrots, while the mayo is replaced with a jalepeno vinagrette. Delish and refreshing.

- May I *not* suggest the beds at the Biltmore? Very cloud-like and fluffy, they do no good for your lower back after 2 days. Ask for the particle board insert*. (*may not be an actual feature the hotel offers.)

- Hanging off the side of a cable car in "The City" (also known to inhabitants as San Francisco). A must do, if only for dodging the cars a mere 12 inches from your elbow on California Street.

- Front Room mini pizzas in "The City". *drools for tomato, basil and gooey mozzarella*

- Forget the Ramada Inn. Never, never stay here, especially the one on 7th and Folsom in "TC". I talked in my sleep about the conditions to the S.O. 'Nuff said.

- Anchor Steam bar in the SFO airport. Thanks for nursing my vodka craving when the flight was delayed. (And thanks to the Dallas Cowboys for handing that game over to Philly. You made my evening.)

- Thanks to Columbus. Yeah, I said it. Otherwise, the S.O. and wouldn't have caught the fantasic "Hey-we-found-the-new-world-and-created-hundrends-of-years-of-broken-treaties" parade in "TC" while munching on proscuitto and arugula nosh. The highlight of the San Francisco trip, seriously.

- Lastly, expense reports are a beautiful thing. Especially when you Turn. Them. In.

As I say to my mother...I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been hectic. Still *wuv yoo* and have some great stories to share.

Soon, grasshopper. Soon.


Big City, Little Feet

So. I'm in NYC at the moment. Not for shits and giggles, mind you, though I am hoping to make it out for an accquaintance's trivia night and music. Prolly what's needed after working 8:30 to 6:30ish straight. (It's the new 9 to 5. Eat your heart out, Dolly Parton. Then again, that time range isn't so catchy...)

After leaving the office, I felt like getting lost for a bit and just started walking. (In heels. Carrying a laptop. I'm so "Working Girl".) There's nothing like getting lost and meandering down sidewalks to help you get to know a city. NYC is so huge, though, that I felt like I'd hardly made a dent after a good 45 minutes or so. If I were in Rome, I'd have seen at least 45 old churches and Roman ruins. The McDonalds on Broadway somehow doesn't have that majesty. Still it was nice to get some fresh (koff) air and unwind from what was a bit of a stressful day.
(Not as stressful as I had imagined, though. Thank goodness.) And I love the people of NYC - the timbre of their voices, their no-nonsense, the way they look you right in the eye. It's refreshing.

Now my basil and mozzarella pizza is waiting, and I have a date with the bathtub after. It's good to be a travel monkey.


The Pills Made Me Say It

I have a house guest for the next few days. A cuddly, furry, sweet little adopted pup who unfortunately has to stay on bed rest at the moment, since she's going through heartworm treatment.

She took a bit to get used to my place last night. As in, barking and whining for quite a while in her crate. We tried ignoring her but she ended up getting louder, so in the interest of trying to not piss off the roommate, the S.O. and I laid in bed with the lights off so she would settle down.

Pillow talk in the early evening is nice, especially when sober and snuggly. Well, sober might be a relative term. A sinus infection has been kicking my ass for over a week and as a result, I'm on a massive dose of antibiotics and decongestants. Fun side effects? The "stares", wooziness, and an inability to articulate well. (Poor S.O. - both of his girls are sick and doped up. At least we're more docile. He'll be wishing for this when we're both feeling better.)

So, we're laying on the bed talking, and he's rubbing his shoe against the footboard, producing a little squeaky sound. My bed is not the quietest when, ahem, participating in noctural activites, and I popped off a joke.

Silly me. Note to self: do not try to be cute and clever while groggy.

This is what I meant: "This bed is noisy enough without you adding to it with your shoe."

What I said: "This bed is noisy enough without your help."

His response?



Spam-O-Rama: Communique from the Work Inbox

I present to you...subject lines from the spam catcher.
  • FW: What you up to this week? (Training a dog to not bite me, working, drinking lambrusco. You?)
  • Phrmaceu ticcal Pe rfect (I don't think I could trust meds from some site that can't spell pharmaceutical.)
  • Phrmac eubtical Cool (Ditto, and marketed as "cool", at that.)
  • Phr maceuticfal Valuable (Double ditto.)
  • Don’t you wanna fuck like a pornostar in the movie you saw yesterday? (OMG!!1!! How did they know?!?)
  • You're a Silver Power Seller (Funny...I don't even have an Ebay account.)
  • Earn money, save the world! (Superhero-style? Like, I flap my wallet and make it rain in the desert, or use my coinage to build sturdy bridges, or stop bombs with my money clip?)
  • You tried everything to fight away the Erectile Dysfunction: the best porno sites, the most exotic movies, hot playboys (Well, not *everything*. I have been having ED, but that may be more a lack of having a penis than anything else...)
  • RE: Guess who's back? (Moral outrage at the current political arena? Cognizant, well-spoken Democrats? Oh, golly...I give up! Who?!?)
  • Vampires vs. Lykens-Full Moon Party Tonight! [1/13] (Funny thing is, I never would've understood this if I hadn't seen Underworld on the boob tube this past weekend.)
  • No matter how well-off you are, you can always afford Replica Classic watches. (An odd marketing statement for a company named Replica Classic Watches. Shouldn't it be "no matter how bad-off you are"?)
  • URGENT(AS YOU READ,YOU WILL BE BLESS IN JESUS NAME) (Lack of proper verb tense makes the baby Jesus cry.)
  • SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY young (Slightly disturbing. I didn't even know people had sex with guns. Is the instant three inches a silencer? Are they loaded? If you're having sex with guns, is it even an option to be shy?)
  • RE:i bet he won't know (Men don't know a lot of things, but I'm kind of in the dark on this one, too.))
  • Surprise your wife (Too bad I'm not married. Or a lesbian.)
  • Imagine what could happen if the kings weren’t able to father. (Well, someone else might've been king, then. Voting may have come around a lot sooner. Monkeys may have ruled in a gumdrop land with lollipop streets. The female sexual revolution would be a lot further than it is now. My imagination is pretty good...I could go on like this for hours.)
  • Re: At sit in tackle quietism express (Rather haiku-ish. This was my favorite.)


Here's To 30 More Years of Benevolent Dictatorship

Happy 30.0 to the resident dictator.

Random gray hairs notwithstanding, you're still the sexiest Italian monkey I know. (Besides Berlusconi - he's dreamy.*)

*So. Absolutely. Kidding.


The Tryst

I have a confession to make. I met a sinfully delicious Italian while shopping through the back streets of the eternal city.

His name is Fred. He's a block of soap.

He was just sitting there in the shop. A bit small, wrapped tightly in parchment paper to seal in the deliciousness, just waiting for some gal with an over-developed olfactory fetish. A "ciao bella" of mint and heaven-knows-what-else wafted across my path.

Love at first sniff.

Fred and I had a date with a bubble bath last night. Steamy water, minty lather, and a rigorous toweling later, and I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It sounds a bit sudden, but I've never met a soap like this - charming, soothing, and instantly satisfying.

But, he's just a soap after all. Which is a good thing, because I like my satisfaction to take much longer in all other circumstances.


Neener Neener

I'm going to Italy tomorrow.

I don't have to be back in the office until 12/12.

What the heck am I gonna do with myself?




Thanks and Stuff and Things

Happy (early) Thanksgiving, y'all.

(Sent a few years ago to the buds and fam, but I'm happy to say they all still apply. Plus, there's a few new ones, too.)

I'm thankful for...

...beaten up cowboy hats.

...homemade cookies baked with mom.


...old friends.

...new firends.

...Italian pick-up lines.

...miniature painted gnomes.

...a good pair of tweezers.

...little sisters that can play bass.

...Ducatis and Harleys.

...tires that keep their air pressure.

...disposable cameras.

...my sanity.

...birthday buddies.

...Sunday comics and crossword puzzles.

...older sisters that are fluent in Italian.

...automatically deposited paychecks.

...daffodils, white roses and lilys.

...dads that do uncanny impersonations of Bugs Bunny, Bruce Lee, and Robert De Niro.

...photo booth pictures.

...being kissed senseless.

...free cd samplers.

...Friday late-night domino games.

...music played by my friends.

...work kudos.

...coffee time with the Davish One.

...Miss B and her mama.

...road trips to Austin.

...green-broke horses.

...grandmas that share their recipes.

...Kleenex with lotion and aloe.

...fluffy pillows.

...glue sticks and staple guns.

...waking up to a smile.

...the migratory pattern of the North American Monarch butterfly.

...talking with Natorchen.

...1969 Chevelles.

...friendly cashiers.

...unusually large coffee mugs.

...over-protective godfathers and uncles.

...things that go right.

...things that go wrong.

...80 degree days in late November.

...two lane country roads.

...flip-flops, jeans and t-shirts.

...stomach butterflies.

...spur of the moment tubing trips.

...steaks that moo.

...sunsets at 9pm.

...spell check.

...a life surrounded by people I love and cherish.


Nuts to This

Birth Control Patch Warning Issued

I've been a "patchie" for over 3 years now, pretty much ever since it came out. It seemed like the perfect choice because:

A.) I hate taking pills.
B.) I would often forget to take the pills.
C.) Pills affect me worse than most. A slight side effect manifests itself as a monster pain in the tuckus. (Dizziness = falling over. Nausea = the sight of food makes me barf. Headache = migraine. Cramps = knife in the stomach. Etc. Etc.)
D.) A year's worth of Depo shots screwed my system for three years.
E.) Since one of my "estricles" liked to freak out from time to time, the doc and I decided to place the patch right over the offender. Have always placed it there, and haven't had a problem since.

But, the better-safe-than-sorry camp won out this morning. Never having a problem with the medication in the past is not a good reason to continue it when reports like these come out, especially since I smoke. (Yes, bad. I know.) And while it may be a bit of overreaction, I'd still feel better mentally knowing that I'm less at risk for all the possible nasty side effects.

(Off-topic question: does 50-60% more estrogen increase your cup size? The ladies *have* seemed awfully...volumptuous...lately. Either that, or I'm retaining water like a frozen sponge. Meh, at least the SO and I reap the rewards when I ask him to massage them. It's a win-win situation, there.)

Anyways, called the doc and am in the process of getting switched over to, ugh, a pill. It's a little disconcerting that the lady, while admitedly not the doctor, couldn't answer many of my questions. Namely - will this have any long term reprecussions, is a physical needed, and what will be the effects of moving from a high hormone level to an extremely low hormone level?

It's a little frightening when the health care folks that deal with patients on a face to face level can't answer your questions and have to go back to the doctor for the answers. Having your questions filter through multiple people is no bueno - I've played telephone before. "My mother's cookies are good" most always turns into "My mother hooks for food". (Try it. And no, mom is not a woman of the night, and always has a stocked refrigerator.)

Anyhoo, in the event that the next few moths may be a little hazy due to hormone induced mood swings and blackouts, I pre-emptively apologize to all friends, family, co-workers and the SO. Please ignore the cry fests/rages/depression/exhilaration/tiredness/hyperactiveness you'll see over the next few months. I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.



I am very glad to hear that the smell of strawberries is not patentable, but read the reason why:

The company argued that while strawberries may look and taste different, they all smell the same, and as a result could be trademarked.

The court took a different view, and smell experts found that instead of just one aroma, strawberries can in fact have up to five different, distinct scents.

So, does that mean that this company can come back and try to patent the smell of a certain variety of strawberry?

And where was I when the below happened?

According to the Associated Press news agency, the only scent to win EU trademark protection so far is the smell of freshly cut grass.

The smell was registered by a Dutch perfume company that uses it to give tennis balls their aroma.

We may have reach the pinnacle of greed. Human race to destruct in 5...4...3...2...


And then?

Smiling DeLay turns himself in for booking - CNN.com

"However, in many white-collar cases, Toobin said, the defense attorney and the prosecutor work out a surrender time for the defendant without a warrant being issued.

"That's kind of the civilized way to do it," he said. But there is nothing civil about the conflict between Earle and DeLay, "And this arrest warrant is further proof of that," Toobin said.

In addition, said Toobin, the fingerprinting and mug shot also will be embarrassing."

Excuse me, but so-effing-what?!? You are accused of commiting a crime. I would think that's much more embarassing than fingerprinting or smiling like a chesire cat for a photo.

Regardless, it matters not if you are a regular-Joe type citizen or a holier-than-thou politico. Every person should be held to the same laws - and same proceedings beforehand. (Something to remember when further *ahem* political indictments come down.)

As long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony. (Courtesy of Bill Waterson.)


Post? No. Links? Yes.

  • Eight visits are supposed to make up for "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie"? Methinks not.
  • My ancestors. Of course, further evidence is pending as scientists work to discover a fossilized D-cup.
  • Picking the thoughts of a brilliant man.
  • Smurftastic.


Bah. Humbug. Already.

I hate this time of year.

Yesterday was sunny and hot and brilliant blue skies. Last night was there was a massive storm and power failures. Today is chilly and cloudy and bleh. The degree of change in Texas weather always sucks worse than a Hoover, but this time it's affecting me more than usual.

Summertime is my time - the hot weather, the sun shining, the ability to do whatever you want either outside or inside. Swimming, camping, road trips, shorts and flip flops. Green grass and flowers. Warm skin and cold iced tea. Heaven.

Fall and winter invariably depress me year after year. I can't figure out if it's the fact that I feel stifled during those seasons from being indoors all the time, if it's the tempature (anything below 70 is miserable for me), if it's the bulky clothes and layers, if it's the lack of sun and warmth, or if it's all of the above.

Waking up to slate gray skies and chilly temps this morning gave me a good snapshot into how bad this winter will be, mentally. It's not looking good, folks. I'm in a rotten mood and keep thinking that I need to move (again) before November, preferrably either to the desert or a small, tropical island nation.

I should have taken that transfer, dammit.


Famous Last Words

For the love of Pete, folks, I've tried my hardest to not be so post-lazy. Well, maybe not the hardest I could have, but certainly had some effort toward being better about updating the 'Swinger. And by "effort" I mean a passing thought complete with little guilt goblins hurling bean bags at my head that have the word "WRITE!" emboidered upon them.

In other words, not very hard at all. But the guilt is there, and that's all that matters, right?





Small nugget o' fun:
I landed a promotion while having a mild concussion that made me not quite right in the head. Note to self - next time want new job, hit self in head with hammer. It seems to work out pretty well.


Email Survey Question

I was rather proud of this answer. All true wishes, too.

What is something that you would like to do, but have never done?

Mastermind a prison jailbreak, paint a canvas that ends up in art history books, run a marathon while smoking an entire pack of cigarettes and drinking a 5th of Jim Beam, join the mob, stay hopelessly, madly in love for the rest of my life, water ski with performing penguins, win at poker in Las Vegas and give the money to homeless person, rebuild a large block engine, race a horse in the Kentucky Derby, buy an island and establish a hippie commune, and develop accurate ESP.


Bladda Bladda Bladda

I've decided that all posts will be random hodge-podge mish-mashes of randomness from now on, or until a topic of interest grabs me enough to expound upon it. A big 'ole FU to cohesion, if you will.

If you're a veg-head or burrito lover (or both), may I recommend the Cha-Cha Burritos from Monica's Aca y Alla? Muy bueno, and they give the added bonus of getting black beans stuck in your teeth. Good thing I wasn't in Cheshire-grin mode today.

Why on earth are the songs "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "I'm All Outta Love" by Air Supply on constant, alternating repeat inside my noggin? (And now you're all signing as well, aren't you? Sorry. Maybe.)

Help me choose my pleasure for the weekend: a toobin' trip complete with house on the river, a road trip to see a friends' band play next to a lake, or packing and heaving and shopping for the impending apartment switch next weekend. I'm torn between responsibility and fun, and then torn between what sort of fun to have should I go that route. My life is such a dilemma. ;)

Looky Looky - Another Durn Post and Stuff

Insomnia isn't so bad. I just watched a badass Kung Fu movie, and learned that MTV does play music videos after all, albeit at 1:00 a.m.

A lesson for fellow insomniacs? A two hour nap after work is a bad idea. Still another? Drink the Sleepytime tea much earlier.

And the last? Don't get on the internet.


Presenting for the Noodle Lashing

I fully intend to raise the ass in the air and bear multiple wet noodle beatings for being so sporadic about posting lately.

Wait. Let me rephrase. That sounded like a bad porno premise.

Apologies for being flaky in the blog sense. I'll try to do better.

Anyhoo...not much to say at the moment except:

  • Being balls to the wall busy is the best remedy for dragging time.
  • The new office is still on my bad side. There's no good way to get there, it's always 60 effin' degrees inside, and I rarely get to see the sun. I propose mid-day park visits to compensate.
  • Packing is number five on the all time most boring wastes of time. (Numbers one, two, three and four being meetings, traffic jams, dusting, and reading Dear Abby, respectively.)
  • Morning nookie is the ultimate to make sure your Mondays are spent in a sickeningly giddy way.
  • Over-dramatic reunions/forgiveness in parking lots have that odd, contrived movie quality to them. It feels like the plot twist is still around the corner.
  • I've done something stupid and commited to two different road trips this weekend to the same general area of the state. Regardless of the decision of which to go on, I still have to purchase a new swimsuit. The current one has been a bit stretched by the girls.
  • After this next weekend, by the way, I'm going on a detox binge. Carrot juice and wheatgrass and vitamins and lots 'n lots of water. My liver just may forgive me after all, after it wakes up from its stupor.
  • Have I mentioned that packing sucks?

Off to bed, now. And again, I promise it won't be 10 more days until the next post.

Probably more like 9. ;)


You know it will be an interesting day when...

...the Got Milk? promotional truck cuts you off on the highway while driving into work.

Strangely, I have a craving for cow juice now. A rather dangerous way to market, though.

On a completely unrelated subject, I have reached a benchmark in my career. There are now over 2000 emails in my inbox. This calls for a celebration...of sorts.