3.30.2005

Legalized Violation

Or as others may call it, a doctor's appointment.

It was that time again. Time to be a diligent woman and make sure the naughty bits are behaving the way they ought to. With my history of surgery whatnots, it's the one thing I force myself to do even though I loathe (LOATHE!) going to the doctor. Of course, I'm 6 months overdue and got a small lecture upon arrival. It was like visiting mom. Or grandma. Kinda.

'Tis a very weird feeling to return to work after being poked, prodded, scraped, blood drawn, and electrodes attached. I feel like a science fair project gone horribly wrong. Which is probably close to the truth.

So, the bill of health is:

Lungs: Excellent/clear (Ha! Take that, non smokers.)
Ears/nose/throat: Fine, though comment was made on allergies, which I foo-foo'd.
Back of skull: Swollen lymph node attributed to allergies. Told not to smush it. Exact "technical" words, too.
Heart/blood pressure: Picture of health
Upper female naughty bits: Excellent (but we knew that already), no lumps or oddities to report.
Stomach: Almost punched doctor in the face when he pressed (hard) right where I told him it was sore. Baring that, nothing serious, just still dealing with the repercussions of a different doctor's stupidity from 7 years ago.
Lower female naughty bits: Looks excellent, test will tell for sure but looks like all cells that could have generated into the C-word are gone. Whoo-hoo!

Sorry if that's too much information, but I am ELATED. Doctor appointments never go well for me, and this one was the first in years where no problems (knock on wood) were found. Plus, the hip mystery has been solved. And it has nothing to do with old age or, ahem, energetic nocturnal activities. So, hush your mouths, all you smart-alecs out there. With a few weeks of exercises with a rolled up pair of socks, I'll be good as new. :)

picked from the vine by sv @ 3:50 PM |

3.28.2005

Good News for the Emotionally Challenged

Found out a little tidbit of info last night that made me grin like a cheshire cat sucking on a 100-watt light bulb. In fact I really couldn't comment on it at the time it made me so happy (see title above), which was a pleasant surprise in itself.

Time for a trip to the hardware store to buy the requisite crowbars and jackhammers to start chipping away at My Protective Wall(tm).

picked from the vine by sv @ 3:15 PM |

Maybe It's Making my Breasts Look Larger...

A lady at work today told me I was wasting away and becoming a waif. I told her to get her eyes checked. Really, though, the cease-and-desist on junk food/sweets seems to have whittled me down a size and a half to which I say...score!* No-effort weight loss is just hunky dory, and it gets easier with each day. Plus, I get to hear stuff like this scenario which happened last week:

Male I Haven't Seen In 9 Months: Wow. You look great.
Moi: Thanks.
MIHSI9M: No, really. You've lost a LOT of weight haven't you?
Moi: Um, well, some...but I wouldn't characterize it as a LOT.
MIHSI9M: Well, you look really good.
MIHSI9M (20 minutes later): Can I get your phone number again? I lost it a few months ago.
Moi (thinking to self): No way asshole. It's not as if I went from 1050 pounds to 118.
Moi (aloud): Sure. (Gives phone number with a few wrong digits. Sucker.)

That was fun. And yes, wrong too, I know. Whip me for it, ok?

Of course, since yesterday was the end of Lent, I indulged by having two Girl Scout cookies and a few (too many) rum & cokes. Today, I feel like crap. Attribute most of it to the late Sunday night, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that the re-introduction of sugar is why the stomach is roiling** today. Learned that lesson pretty fast. Note to self: Do not re-pollute what you struggled to cleanse.

Hmm...my liver should probably be next in line, but it's lounging in the corner nursing a whiskey on the rocks. Lazy bastard.

*Unfortunately, that means I have to go shopping.
**Sigh...I love that word. Also: mitigate, eschew and copacetic. Rawr...

picked from the vine by sv @ 3:12 PM |

Purdy


Purdy
Originally uploaded by crack_monkey_.
The flowers I was raving about on Friday. Gorgeous, aren't they?

Pay no attention to the messy desk, please.

picked from the vine by sv @ 9:21 AM |

3.27.2005

It's Sunday, for goodness sakes...

...So did I wake up at 6:30? Not just a yawn and a stretch and a lazy eye-opening, but a "pop! I'm AWAKE!" Sigh, this is what I get for spending my entire Saturday reading and watching kung fu movies/romantic comedies.

Here I sit in the wee hours of Easter Sunday listening to a few CDs purchased yesterday (a good investment so far), and doing the bane of my existence...laundry. Nothing says hallejuah like mountain fresh dryer sheets and Stone Roses-ish Brit rock.

I'm also praying brunch with the moms in 4.5 hours will be tolerable. And by tolerable, I mean subdued and fun. Most likely, though, there'll be a pitcher of mimosas and a semi-heated discussion on...many, many topics. Look forward to the Easter brunch stories, dear readers. They're always a scream.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some dancing/folding to do.

picked from the vine by sv @ 7:20 AM |

3.25.2005

Of Babies, Flowers and Egg McMuffins

Today is full of smells. The office is permeated with all sorts of fragrances that are sending me into a tizzy.

In this corner, we have a sick infant that came with mommy to work. The waft of that powdery smell sent the biological clock ringing so hard that I had to beat the crap out of it with a sledgehammer, a la' Looney Tunes style. (That's why I stay away from infants. There are only so many sledgehammers to the pelvic region I can take.) It did help that baby made a poopoo about 10 minutes later, and the subsequent odor was gag-inducing. Blech.

In the other corner, we have two beautiful arrangements of flowers given to my boss and me in appreciation of the past couple weeks and the weeks to come. These things sit about two feet high (no kidding) and are crowded with lilies(!), tea roses and hydrangea. The floral aroma is heaven-sent, and is causing daydreams of running through fields of flowers in a flowy dress and straw hat (or, more likely, jeans and flip-flops).

Lastly, the resident of our "Being John Malkovich" floor brought in breakfast from McDeath this morning, and there's no mistaking the smell of a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit...especially when you haven't eaten in about 22 hours. Whoops. Looks like lunch will be early today, and more breakfast-like than not.

picked from the vine by sv @ 10:38 AM |

3.24.2005

Quote of the Day

"And I would watch out about "Fuck, fuck fuckity fuck". The last time I looked, that's how the baby thing happens!"

-Courtesy of my mother (Not said to me, though. Thank Jebus.)


I've been rendered speechless.

picked from the vine by sv @ 5:22 PM |

3.23.2005

Speaking of Babbling Gibberish

The company softball season starts next Thursday. Oog. It looks as if the weekend will be spent inside the confines of a batting cage and oiling the glove. (No euphemism intended...much.)

Please explain something. Why is it that I can knock the crap out of a slow-pitch softball when a machine is pitching, but whiff miserably when up to bat facing a human? Last year, I hit a good few doubles and triples in practices, but was the strike-out queen in actual games. I just need that ONE PITCH to go right; the one that connects with a resonant "crack!", makes the ball sail, and kicks stage fright right in the tuckus.

Meh, at least I can catch anything hurled at me and throw slightly better than your average lass. Those skills will (hopefully) redeem the red-faced heliocopter swings that are bound to happen. Plus, our team usually tries to pound down a few brews while waiting for an at-bat, so maybe no one will notice.

All of you are welcome to come watch/point and laugh/take pictures for posterity. Oh yeah, moral support would be good, too.

picked from the vine by sv @ 5:22 PM |

So. Sleepy.

Holy cow, does the keyboard look ever so comfortable.

Having a hard time staying awake this afternoon. My head keeps doing that fall-back/whip-back-up motion that one may do during a boring seminar or sermon. And the eyes feel as though they've 20 pound weights hanging from each. So...tempting...to...lay...head...zzzzzzzzz.

But no! Must stay awake! Must be alert for meeting in an hour! Must be alert for second meeting in 3.5 hours! Must not give in to sweet, sweet...zzzzzzzzzz.

This is crazy. It's not as if I didn't get, like, um, four and a half hours of sleep last night. But really, that's usually enough to at least get through the day awake. None of this nodding off at the desk crap happens. Maybe today isn't a normal day.

And it doesn't help that it's abso-friggin-lutely beautiful outside, either. The bright blue skies and warm sun are beckoning to me, saying, "Come on! Go ahead and leave the bat cave cubicle. No one will notice. Grab a blanket and a book and go the park. Read under a tree by the water until you fall asleep basking in one of nature's perfect spring days!" But no. Here I sit, typing a bunch of babbling gibberish about comfortable keyboards and talking elements of nature in an attempt to shake off the inevitable nap that is trying to knock me out.

If anyone has a suggestion on how to wake up that doesn't include Red Bull, coffee, or drugs, I'd be thrilled to hear it.

picked from the vine by sv @ 3:13 PM |

3.22.2005

This is What I Get For Eating Breakfast at My Desk

I'm sitting here, drinking my hot tea and munching on my morning bar meal when the name of said bar starts to make me laugh. Label reading has never really been a big deal to me...I see what I want and get it, whether name brand or generic. So when a new peanut and honey granola bar appeared in the vending machine at work, the quarters started flying from my pocket to the pay slot. Never even looked at the name, it was so darn tasty. Healthy, too, and chock full of protein.

The fact that I eat something every morning named Sweet and Salty Nut (that's chock full of protein!) is rather...funny.

picked from the vine by sv @ 9:18 AM |

Mental Radio is Clicked Permanently to "On"

SXSW rocked my world. There was music, work, sunburns on the patio, fanboys and skinny men in makeup, heavy lifting, much imbibing, inappropriateness, dirty fingernails (not mine), rickshaw rides with chicks and sausage, and oh so much more.

Music was the hero of the weekend, though. (As if one could doubt it.) Due to some bad tacos on Thursday night, I saw part of A Hawk and a Hacksaw but ended up leaving DeVotchKa early (dammit) in order to yak in peace at the hotel. But, Friday was nice...caught Alejandro Escovedo and Ian Hunter whilst working, and then made my way over to Stubb's for Kasabian. The true gem of the night, though, was The Bravery. Excellent, excellent, excellent stuff. High energy. Great dynamic. Show was too short. Must buy CD and listen until my ears bleed.

We had our party Saturday afternoon, and the lineup was stellar. Checkout Be Your Own Pets, The Ditty Bops, Aqualung and The Raveonettes if you haven't already. Saturday night involved mass quantities of food, hiding from a freakhouse, being entertained by another freakhouse, and catching part of the Burden Brothers at a rooftop record party. (I dunno...every time I see them I'm a little disappointed. I keep waiting for that one song to suck me in and make me love them like the Toadies, but, alas, it hasn't happened yet. Maybe someday. Cross your fingers, because they're good guys regardless.) We ended the night with the Brazilian Girls, who sounded pretty good and had the best stage outfits of the weekend.

So, I'm toying with the idea of making Crack Monkey's SXSW Mix, which will have samples of the shows I saw plus a mixture of the road trip music that's burned into my brain after a total of 10 hours on the road. It's gonna (potentially) rawk. I'll post the track list within a few days and if'n you'd like a copy, let me know.

But I need to play catch up from being out of town first. Back to reality now. Sigh.

picked from the vine by sv @ 12:18 AM |

3.17.2005

Sponge Powers Activate!

Somedays, I can't believe how damn wonderful life is.

Saw a band last night that had a tuba player (who was excellent, by the way). Great music, great show, attentive crowd, lots of be-bopping and toe-tapping afoot. The best part, though, was that the tuba had Christmas lights! Red ones! All over the damn thing! Absolutely mesmerizing to follow the little blobs of light to the beat of "oomph-pa, oomph-pa" with a singing violin in the background.

The headliners were wonderful as well. The lead singer has the huskiness of Bruce Springsteen and the vocal strength of Rod Stewart while looking like a Scottish rogue. (Not to mention his talent runs circles around those other two any day.) Another reason that CD is staying in my player for a long, long time.

And today, after waking up the best way possible, I'm headed down to Austin for SXSW for four straight days of fun (and work), which is fully reimbursable by the company. I'm in music overload right now...there are so many great bands to see that I'm all in a tizzy, much like a child's first time at an amusement park.

So please excuse me if I don't post for a few days. Life is beckoning fiercely and I'm gonna soak up every moment of it.

picked from the vine by sv @ 11:49 AM |

Survey This

Got a survey this morning. Thought I'd share.

1. What time did you get up this morning? First time: 6:30. Second time: 7:00. Third time: 7:10.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearls, but only if they're fake.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The cinema or the "cinema"? In both cases, I can't remember.

4. What is your favorite TV show? Simpsons

5. What did you have for breakfast? Tried to get a granola bar from the vending machine, but the damn thing wouldn't take dimes.

6. What is your middle name? Sexy

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Homemade anything.

8. What foods do you dislike? Cold soup. Rancid meat. Soggy veggies. Other than that, I'll try anything once.

9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Habenero.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? A burned medley that hasn't left my CD player in weeks. And Crooked Fingers' "Bring on the Snakes"...which I'm listening to right now.

11. What type of car do you drive? Nissan Sentra-crap-o

12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey and swiss with tomato, avocado, lettuce and sprouts.

13. What characteristic do you despise? Simpering. Ugh.

14. Favorite item of clothing? My jeans.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Start at the Bahamas, cruise on over to Italy, then on to Egypt. On my yacht, of course.

16. What color is your bathroom? White with pale green accent stuff. And a cow picture.

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Meh, when I shop, I hit the sale racks.

18. Where would you retire to? A beach somewhere. Anywhere.

19. Favorite time of the day? Pretty much anytime.

20. What was your most memorable birthday? This past one. My friends and family made it so wonderful.

21. Where were you born? In the Land of Lincoln.

22. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball, gymnastics.

25. What fabric detergent do you use? Gain Mountain Fresh? The blue one with the green top.

26. Coke or Pepsi? Neither.

27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Depends how much sleep I've had the night before. And if I'm gettin' nookie or not. ;)

28. What is your shoe size? 6 ½ - 7

29. Do you have any pets? No. I almost did.

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family or friends? I'm going on a road trip! To Austin! Whoo-hoo!

31. What did you want to be when you were little? Everything. I'm still having trouble deciding.

picked from the vine by sv @ 11:11 AM |

3.14.2005

More than 1000 words

I admit it. I've been in a funk. Been grouchy. Been difficult. Been snarky and snappish. Been taking spoken words the wrong way. Been taking physical actions worse. No amount of crap that has been going on is a good excuse, and if you've been one of the unfortunate souls to cross my path while I've been "in a mood" I sincerely apologize. And thank you for being gentle.

Things are looking up, though. Work has dwindled to a mere trickle for now, the finances are finally getting back up to speed, the car has stopped breaking down on me every other week (knock on wood), family stuff is getting better(ish) and I'm about to embark on the best company trip ever this weekend. Plus, my brain has stopped being my worst enemy. Without going into much detail, certain situations have been producing a bit of panic and a mess of uncertain thoughts to roil around in my head. No fun, and I'm definitely happy that they are on the outs.

The relaxation/good vibes began to settle in yesterday afternoon. A touch of lingering bad ju-ju reared its head this morning, but that was before I saw the pictures. Or, I should say, *the* picture. It was striking. It made me gasp. And now I know.

I finally know that it's ok to take things as they come. I know that it's ok to be happy and have uncertainty at the same time. And I know what it looks like to see true happiness in a moment again.

Bless that photographer for capturing the look which showed everything that was begging to be set free.

picked from the vine by sv @ 5:45 PM |

Insanity


Insanity
Originally uploaded by crack_monkey_.
A glimpse of the culmination of what I've been doing for the past three months.

picked from the vine by sv @ 1:37 PM |

Alive

Whoo-hoo. The event is over. Small hitches aside, we did a fantastic job. And it was so nice to see a bunch of my buds out there. Now it's on to Stress Event #2, to be followed closely by #3 and #4. God, I love events season.

All that aside, who would think that one can get so sore throwing beads, lifting boxes, jumping on and off moving floats, run-walking from booth to booth, rolling Astroturf and carrying tables? Every muscle in my body is screaming deliciously, except for the quads, which sound like banshees instead. Stupid "lift with your legs" safety precaution.

I'll post a picture or two of the mass insanity later. Now it's time to play catch-up.

picked from the vine by sv @ 9:04 AM |

3.09.2005

This Puts It In Perspective...


stacy
Originally uploaded by crack_monkey_.
My favorite birthday card ever, and wonderfully apropo.

Now to take care of the grey hair I found...

picked from the vine by sv @ 10:38 PM |

See?!? I AM a Good Girl!

According to the Slut Test, I am a mere 49% slut. Not (too) surprising really, since I can talk pervy with the best of 'em but blush insanely when someone touches my ear. (No, I'm not just a big talker. I've got hypersensitive skin and am very, very picky. There's a difference. Pllllbt.)

Meh...who can argue with scientific tests? Not me.

Damn. That test made me horny. Damn. It. All.

picked from the vine by sv @ 12:04 AM |

3.07.2005

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

After the initial Monday morning sluggishness, I am on a roll, baby.

Showered, dressed and out the door in 25 minutes flat. Hit no traffic (to speak much of) on the way in to have a stellar 15 minute commute time. Had the regular weekly B.S. done within the first 30 minutes. And now, I'm starting to go nuts on the Annual Work Project That Spawned the Moniker 'Crack Monkey'. Nuts in a good way. As in clear-headed, lucid thoughts on how far we have to go and what it's going to take to get there.

All this without coffee. Damn, I'm good.

(Don't worry...tomorrow I'll be back to my whirling, crazy self.)

picked from the vine by sv @ 9:47 AM |

3.03.2005

*Insert Panicked Monkey Sounds Here*

What a shite day. It was going right along, ho hum, lots of work getting done, lots of things being completed, lots of items being checked off the to-do list. Then *WHAM*...brick wall.

Yet, in the midst of this ulcer-inducing day, a few things have warranted a chuckle or a smile or a belly laugh:

- Waking up to a smile.
- Bumper sticker in the employee parking lot: "Yee-Haw" is not a foreign policy.
- Message on the voicemail: "I wish you a day filled with sunshine and rainbows."
- Conversation with a supplier: "I will work with you anytime. You make my job easy."
- Good news about treehugger's little girl.
- The fact I will never, ever have to see or talk to the Ex From Hell ever again. (Final stage of Operation: Give Me Back My Rosary was completed today.)
- Contemplation of joining the roller derby, due to a fellow employee's urging.
- Bonding with my sister despite being separated by thousands of miles.
- Loretta Lynn.

Don't worry, faithful (3) readers. The cynic in me is still there. It just had to take a back burner today in order to keep that thread of sanity clinging. (Tenuous hold though it may be.)

picked from the vine by sv @ 5:09 PM |

3.01.2005

Ack!


The Condi action doll at the bottom of the page scares the beejeesus out of me.

picked from the vine by sv @ 6:23 PM |

No Willpower

I caved and ate a cookie today.

It came with my Chinese jalapeno chicken. A small, little, innocuous fortune cookie. Not too sweet, just the right amount of crisp, with a palatable fortune to boot:

"You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself."

And on the back was:

"LEARN CHINESE: Are you Mr Bush? (Ni shi bu-xi xian-sheng ma?)"

Greatness that I would have otherwise missed had my willpower resisted the delectable nugget of cookiness. Of course, that does mean "Little Easter" is now cancelled for this Sunday...bugger. Which is going to blow, since a box of chocolate cookies named Crunky are sitting on the kitchen table calling my name.

picked from the vine by sv @ 3:13 PM |