I have a house guest for the next few days. A cuddly, furry, sweet little adopted pup who unfortunately has to stay on bed rest at the moment, since she's going through heartworm treatment.
She took a bit to get used to my place last night. As in, barking and whining for quite a while in her crate. We tried ignoring her but she ended up getting louder, so in the interest of trying to not piss off the roommate, the S.O. and I laid in bed with the lights off so she would settle down.
Pillow talk in the early evening is nice, especially when sober and snuggly. Well, sober might be a relative term. A sinus infection has been kicking my ass for over a week and as a result, I'm on a massive dose of antibiotics and decongestants. Fun side effects? The "stares", wooziness, and an inability to articulate well. (Poor S.O. - both of his girls are sick and doped up. At least we're more docile. He'll be wishing for this when we're both feeling better.)
So, we're laying on the bed talking, and he's rubbing his shoe against the footboard, producing a little squeaky sound. My bed is not the quietest when, ahem, participating in noctural activites, and I popped off a joke.
Silly me. Note to self: do not try to be cute and clever while groggy.
This is what I meant: "This bed is noisy enough without you adding to it with your shoe."
What I said: "This bed is noisy enough without your help."
I present to you...subject lines from the spam catcher.
FW: What you up to this week? (Training a dog to not bite me, working, drinking lambrusco. You?)
Phrmaceu ticcal Pe rfect (I don't think I could trust meds from some site that can't spell pharmaceutical.)
Phrmac eubtical Cool (Ditto, and marketed as "cool", at that.)
Phr maceuticfal Valuable (Double ditto.)
Don’t you wanna fuck like a pornostar in the movie you saw yesterday? (OMG!!1!! How did they know?!?)
You're a Silver Power Seller (Funny...I don't even have an Ebay account.)
Earn money, save the world! (Superhero-style? Like, I flap my wallet and make it rain in the desert, or use my coinage to build sturdy bridges, or stop bombs with my money clip?)
You tried everything to fight away the Erectile Dysfunction: the best porno sites, the most exotic movies, hot playboys (Well, not *everything*. I have been having ED, but that may be more a lack of having a penis than anything else...)
RE: Guess who's back? (Moral outrage at the current political arena? Cognizant, well-spoken Democrats? Oh, golly...I give up! Who?!?)
Vampires vs. Lykens-Full Moon Party Tonight! [1/13] (Funny thing is, I never would've understood this if I hadn't seen Underworld on the boob tube this past weekend.)
No matter how well-off you are, you can always afford Replica Classic watches. (An odd marketing statement for a company named Replica Classic Watches. Shouldn't it be "no matter how bad-off you are"?)
URGENT(AS YOU READ,YOU WILL BE BLESS IN JESUS NAME) (Lack of proper verb tense makes the baby Jesus cry.)
SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY young (Slightly disturbing. I didn't even know people had sex with guns. Is the instant three inches a silencer? Are they loaded? If you're having sex with guns, is it even an option to be shy?)
RE:i bet he won't know (Men don't know a lot of things, but I'm kind of in the dark on this one, too.))
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!LUCKY WINNER!!!!!!!!!!! (CONGRATULATIONS!!!!LUCKY WINNER!!!!! YOU WILL HAVE 100s OF SPAM IF OPENING NOW!!!!!!!)
Surprise your wife (Too bad I'm not married. Or a lesbian.)
Imagine what could happen if the kings weren’t able to father. (Well, someone else might've been king, then. Voting may have come around a lot sooner. Monkeys may have ruled in a gumdrop land with lollipop streets. The female sexual revolution would be a lot further than it is now. My imagination is pretty good...I could go on like this for hours.)
Re: At sit in tackle quietism express (Rather haiku-ish. This was my favorite.)
